The Borg vs. Microsoft Windows
Open with Enterprise crew on the bridge at Red Alert
Cut to the bridge monitor, which reveals a Borg cube at close range.
Picard “Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?”
Geordi “Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late
twentieth-century computing technology.”
Geordi presses a button, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker(Looking puzzled) “What is ‘Microsoft’?”
Data “Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called ‘Windows’, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.”
Picard The Borg have the ability to adapt, Mr. Data. They will alter their processing systems to increase their storage and CPU capacity.”
Data “Yes, Captain. But when ‘Windows’ detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an ‘upgrade’. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.”
Picard “Excellent work. This is even better than that ‘unsolvable geometric shape’ idea.”
15 Minutes Later…
Data “Captain, We have successfully installed the ‘Windows’ in the root command pathway and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected ‘upgrade’.”
Worf “Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an ‘upgrade’ to compensate for their increase.”
Picard “Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.”
Data “Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the ‘upgrade’. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker “Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F…”
Geordi (Excited) “Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to nothing!”
Picard “Data, what do your scanners show?”
Data “The Borg have found the internal ‘Windows’ module named ‘Solitaire’ and it has used up all the CPU capacity.”
Picard “Let’s wait and see how long this ‘Solitaire’ can reduce their functionality.”
Two Hours Pass…
Riker “Geordi, what’s the status on the Borg?”
Geordi “As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more ‘Windows’ modules from something called the ‘Microsoft fun-pack’.
Picard “How much time will that buy us?”
Data “Current Borg solution rates indicate an interest time span of 6 hours, 37 minutes, 12.8 seconds.”
Worf “Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.”
Picard “Identify.”
Data “It appears to have markings very similar to the ‘Microsoft’ logo”
Worf “Confirmed Captain, the ship is a commercial vessel bearing ‘Microsoft’ markings, but I have detected no shields and no weapons.”
Riker “What is that going to do against a Borg ship?”
(Over the speakers)
“This is Admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft flagship Monopoly. We have positive confirmation of unregistered software in this sector.
Surrender all assets immediately and we can avoid any trouble.
You have 10 seconds to comply.
Picard “Counselor?”
Troi “He’s deadly serious Captain, and despite his lack of advanced weapons or shields he’s not the least bit threatened by the Borg ship.”
Geordi counts down the 10 seconds with no response from the Borg vessel.
Worf “The Microsoft ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects.”
Picard “Magnify forward viewer on the Microsoft craft.”
Riker “Captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!”
Troi “I’m not sensing any form of intelligence from these people, Captain.”
Data “I do not believe that those are humans, sir. If you look closer you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.”
(Riker and Picard together, horrified) “Lawyers!!”
Geordi “It can’t be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.”
Data “True, but some must have survived.”
Worf “They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.”
Data “I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as ‘red tape’. It often proves fatal.”
Riker “They’re tearing the Borg to pieces!”
(Turning to Worf) “Mr. Worf, please recalibrate the sensors to detect lawyers.”
Worf “Aye, Sir.”
Picard “You have the bridge, Number One - I can’t stand to watch. Not even the Borg deserve that.”
Picard exits to his ready room, with Troi following closely behind him.
Fade to black as Microsoft lawyers encase the Borg ship…